Divorce can be a difficult process for any couple to go through, and when children are involved, the process will almost certainly be that much tougher.

In a traditional divorce, the two partners who are separating typically take a two-household approach. This approach will usually involve one parent moving out of the family house and the children moving from one home to another home as dictated by the child custody agreement.

This two-household approach has often been the go-to method for marriages that have dissolved, but its major downside is that it can amplify the sadness and heartache already brought on by the divorce. A messy divorce can have rippling effects in all aspects of a child’s life, and in some ways, this approach can have a traumatic impact on a child as the life they knew suddenly gets flipped upside down.

While the two-household separation method has been the main path forward for separated couples, a new approach has been gaining traction over the past decade. This growing approach, popularly called “bird nesting” or simply “nesting,” has won over families, child psychologists, and family advocates alike because of the benefits it can offer. But what exactly is bird nesting and how does implementing it impact the children and parents who are experiencing a divorce? Today we’re going to look at just that.

What is Bird Nesting?

This optimistic term is used to describe the initial stages of how a family unit moves forward after both parents have decided to call it quits. When a divorced couple implements “nesting,” the children stay in the family home, and it is the parents who move in and out of the home. Unlike the traditional two-household approach, it’s the parents who do the bouncing around between households and not the children.

Divorce can be incredibly disruptive in a child’s life and in some cases even traumatic. The goal behind nesting is to minimize the negative impact a divorce can have on the children. The heartache, loss, and sadness that can come from a divorce can have lasting negative effects and through birdnesting, the well-being of the child takes center stage. Any additional stressors brought on by having two households are removed.

Family therapists including psychotherapists and author of “The Self-Aware Parent: Resolving Conflict and Building a Better Bond with Your Child”, Dr. Fran Walfish, explain that this approach can help “soften” the “shock” and pain that children can experience once divorce happens.

How Does Nesting Take Place?

When a divorced couple decides to try nesting out, there is often a second home like a small studio apartment for the parent to move in. The parent who will not be staying in the main family home with the children will live in the apartment during their time away from the kids. When a parent’s time is up with the children, the parents simply swap homes so that the parent who was living in the family home now lives in the apartment home.

Houston family law attorney Maria Lowry thinks that for nesting to work, each parent should have their own separate residence, rather than swapping in and out of a shared space when not in the family home. "Each parent needs a stable place to live when not in the residence," she says. "Living with a friend or family member is usually not stable for long enough unless there is a written lease and agreement to pay rent." This means the nesting option is not available except where substantial financial means exist to maintain three residences.

Experts who agree that nesting can be a positive path forward to rebuilding a new “normal,” advocate that nesting works best when the nesting period lasts for a short period. They define this short period as usually three to six months. By having this period in place, all the family members can have a smooth transition that allows them to get ready for the next chapter in their lives.

Attorney Lowry goes one step further and argues that if nesting is done at all, it should only be used for the transition period while the divorce is pending after the court has put temporary orders in place. "This is a time when the parents are still closely meshed," explains Lowry, "as they move apart on the many axes of the partnership – friendship, sexual, financial, household management, child-rearing, income production, and others." As the parties move through the divorce process, Lowry notes, they move further and further apart on each of these axes, and nesting becomes less and less feasible.

How Does Nesting Impact Children?

Because the goal behind nesting is to keep the wellbeing of the children at the forefront throughout the divorce, there are certainly some great benefits that nesting can bring with it. But because a divorce will always be a difficult thing to experience in life, there are understandably some downfalls as well. Let’s take a look at what experts have to say about the negative and positive impacts nesting can have on children.

Pros:

• The wellbeing of the children is at the center of the divorce, and what’s best for the children, NOT the parent, is what takes precedence. This can lead children to have a healthier time processing and understanding the divorce.
• Children can remain in the family home. This will automatically remove the physical disruption that is often associated with two-household divorces. Both the children and the parents won’t have to deal with getting two sets of necessary items including a bed, clothes, toys, etc.
• Staying in the family home also removes the emotional disruption children face when they move from one parent’s house to another. Children do not have to deal with the stressors of having to move schools, miss out on time with friends, or have the day-to-day of their lives drastically changed.
• The process can be emotionally helpful for parents as well. They will not feel like they are “leaving” the family home or that they are ripping their family up because the children’s lives have been physically uprooted.
• Time is used more intentionally because parents will not have to deal with “drop off times” for their children. There is no packing to go to the other parent’s house, and the stress of having left something at one home when they are staying in another is removed.

Cons:

• Because parents will have to rent out a separate house or apartment, the burden can be a bit financially taxing. In the short term, however, not having to purchase separate sets of furniture, clothes, and toys for children so that they have them in each household can help save money as far as finances go.
• Partners may lose their sense of privacy, because both spaces are being shared by both partners, just not at the same time.
• If nesting goes on beyond a short period, the process may confuse the children to think that the parents are reconciling their relationship.
• Children may struggle with memories of times when the family unit was whole again. Living in the family home could trigger those memories, emotionally triggering that child.
• It may be difficult for a partner to move on with their life if their physical space is routinely being invaded by their ex.

Lowry points out that some people mistakenly think that the person who lives in the house during the pendency of the divorce has some advantage or stronger claim to the house in the property division. This is not the case, says Lowry, and it is not a good reason to take up nesting. Also, Lowry notes that the marital residence frequently needs to be sold at divorce, so nesting is not a realistic option after divorce. "In most cases," she says, "it is not advisable to continue to own the property in common." Instead, Lowry recommends it be awarded to one party or the other. "Unless it is refinanced," Lowry explains, "both are still liable on the mortgage and cannot buy another home." Lowry sums it up this way: "The parties are divorcing because of a desire to no longer be tightly yoked to one another. Jointly-held real estate creates an unnecessary source of conflict."

While nesting after a divorce can have its ups and downs, experts alike agree that when done correctly, there are some great benefits it provides. The key behind a successful nesting arrangement is that the wellbeing of the children is front and center and that the parents in the family work to sustain that.